I Volunteered to do a review of the Book "Voices of the True Woman Movement" on my blog, which I am very excited about. However, I find the book so full of rich content, It may take me a week or two to get an actual review done, as I am trying to get my head around everything. Meanwhile, I do have some thoughts today, inspired by a part I read his morning.

I've logged on several times to blog here, but found myself so mired in thoughts and feelings that I couldn't make any sense come out. I've been overcome lately not only with new emotions about my marriage, but with extreme frustration about my life in general. I feel stymied. I work in a just fine job, but I feel that all my God-given talents are being wasted, crushed out of me by "American Ideals" of materialism and money to which I cannot hope to aspire anyway, since this job doesn't pay the bills!

And I have found myself questioning, not what God wants me to do, necessarily, but what, really is the point of all this? I feel like my life, most especially my marriage, is being consumed by this entity of a job that is overwhelming me with frustration. And if I could see a reason, at least I could persevere in it.

So this morning I read this line From Nancy Leigh DeMoss's chapter, and, well read it:
"That means that every circumstance that comes into your life and mine, including even severe loss and testing, comes into our lives through the filter of His Sovereign hand." and later in that paragraph: "In fact, to resist or resent the situation and circumstances in which you find yourself is ultimately to resist and resent God Himself."

And I realise that Me seeing the reason is not important. Me trusting that God has His own reasons is what's important. I am not the center of the universe, and If God wants to use me where I am, my attitude is certainly not helping. A friend of mine told me over a year ago that God wants us to learn to be content where He puts us. I have thought of that many times, but never really tried to do it.God cannot use me anywhere if I continue in this stubborn, self-centered spirit. The creation of the New Me is being thwarted by my own resentful, whining attitude.

I confess that a small part of me is thinking, "Great, learn this lesson, and then He can finally move you out of this situation!" But I know that is Old me thinking. I must learn to be, if not content, at least assured that I am in His hand wherever he puts me. I must Trust the Lord for everything. I already, literally, trust Him every day for my daily bread. Now I must trust more. I must trust that He is doing more than just sustaining, that he is growing me. I must trust that He gave me my gifts and talents for a reason, and that He has a plan for using them.

I've not thought seriously yet on how this will apply to my marriage, but let's face it, my steadfast, supportive husband could do with a little less whining from me. If I learn, not contentment necessarily, but Trust in my God, it can't help but improve every aspect of my life. Of Our life.

Without Fear

There is a lot to be afraid of as a wife.

Many of those who know me personally have said that they admire me for what I've been through already. Seven years with a bipolar spouse has not been easy at times. And I suppose that I've made plenty of lemonade in those seven years.

But to me, the really frightening part starts now. My husband is healthy and whole, and for the first time, I can really start to be a Godly wife, not a caregiver or a counselor. And I find that, regardless of the fact that I gave up newlywed status a couple years ago, I have no Idea what I'm doing.

Some years ago I started a book. (Actually I started two books and a couple screenplays, but that is beside the point.) The Idea of it came to me because, as a newlywed, I couldn't seem to find any good books to help me out. As my dear friend says, that is what Librarians do, we look for the book that tells us how. Well, I couldn't find that book, so I started to write one, hoping that in the process I would learn something.

Apparently, I never found what I wanted to know, and here I am. Blogging is by no means a replacement for  books.  But I still have so much to say and so much I want to lean about being the kind of wife God wants me to be.


It occurred to me some time back to wonder why Paul exhorts wives to be without fear. And now that I've been doing this a while, I realize that there is a lot to fear. The world throws up reasons to fear my status, my husband, our relationship, God's plans, and even my own self. But perhaps the most frightening aspect of being a wife is understanding that I will change. Christian Marriage itself is a union of two persons into one, new person. Someone as new as a newborn, and just as fragile.

So my mission here is to look my fears in the face and find out who I am and who I'm meant to be. To explore new ideas and new attitudes. To boldly go where few wives have gone. I do not want to "give way to fear", but to "do what is right."

For some reason, I feel like I'm going out to face the lions.